Delayed Departure
by I Heart Maxy Willis
Summary: We are introduced to new versions of our beloved Potter characters in this first volume of The Life and Times of Mr. Potter, told through the eyes of Harry himself, of when the Hogwarts Express is delayed during departure for several nights.
1. Day 1

**Day 1 – 10:31 AM**

Dudley refuses to get out of bed this morning. It's all a plan to make me late for the Hogwarts Express, isn't it? He's such a fucking faggot.  
**  
****9:34 AM**

Aunt Petunia reminded him that I wouldn't be here for the whole school year if I went to Hogwarts. So he got up.

I don't know if I should be happy about that or not.

**9:36 AM**

I think Uncle Vernon is purposefully taking a long time to bring my luggage into the trunk. He keeps 'accidentally' dropping it. But it's every few feet.

_Thunk._ "Oh, oops!"

_Thunk._ "Oh, oops!"

_Thunk._ "Oh, ooooops!"

**9:41 AM**

We just got into the car, thank God.

**9:42 AM**

Dudley's such a fatso.

He had trouble getting through the car door.

**10:40 AM**

We're stuck in traffic because there's a crash ahead.

Oh, dear Lord! Why did you stupid muggles have to crash your car? Couldn't you have, like, avoided whatever fucking problems you had?

Because I'm Harry Potter! Do you know who exactly I am? You won't like me when I'm angry! Do you hear me, muggles? I am Harry effing Potter. I get whatever I want, _when_ I want it!

**10:42 AM**

Turns out those muggles who crashed died.

Dear Muggles: why did you have to die? Couldn't you have avoided death?

It's not like it hasn't happened before.

_*cough*_ DEATHLY _*cough*_ HALLOWS _*cough*_

**10:49 AM**

Pulling up to the station. There's an old woman driving in front of us and she's going as slow as hell.

Old Woman, will I need to hex you? Hurry up already!

**10:52 AM**

FINALLY AT THE EFFING STATION! Uncle Vernon literally threw my bags out of the car and pushed me out. Yeah, sure Uncle Vernon, don't care about my trapped owl in her cage. It's not like she wasn't already in a bad mood, but that's all right. Yeah, uh huh, that's fine, you faggots.

They were laughing as they drove away.

They're all such asses.

**10:54 AM**

Where the crap is Platform 9 3/4? I can't find it! They couldn't have changed the location, could they?

**10:55 AM**

THEY CHANGED THE STOP OH EM EF GEE.

**10:56 AM**

I still can't find the effing stop. Hedwig's giving me the evil eye.

**10:57 AM**

HEDWIG STOP GLARING YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYTHING AT ALL...

**10:58 AM**

Found the stop. Hedwig almost jumped out of her birdcage right when I went through the wall though. So I panicked and ran into a wizard on the other side of the wall.

"Boy, what the hell are you doing?" I was appalled.

"Do you know who I am?" I shout. I push up my hair to show him my scar and he practically fainted.

I love being me sometimes.

**10:59 AM**

A guy just went through the wall right when I was still in front of it. He obviously ran into me. Again… I am appalled.

"Whoa, whoa, whoooaaaa," I yell, turning around. "Do you know who I am?"

It happened to be Neville. He hides his head, mutters, "Sorry, Harry," and walks away.

**11:01 AM**

On the train. Finally.

**11:02**

I just realized. Neville had one of those carts with the child seat in the front.

He set his plant there.

I think we must all question his sanity at this point.

**11:06 AM**

Found an empty compartment. Texted Ron and Hermione and told them where I am.

They said they found the platform right away.

Well, then. I guess I couldn't find the platform right away because I'm not ginger.

**11:08 AM**

Ron and Hermione walk into the compartment. Ron is wearing one of those ridiculous hats of his again to try to hide the fact that he's a ginger, and Hermione is looking like her know-it-all self, with her mouth tightly clenched as not to reveal her hideous buck teeth.

She tries to rearrange Ron's hat. Now that's a mistake.

"Hermione, GERROF ME!"

"Ronald, shut up and let me help you!" Scabbers climbs over her arm and onto the top of his hat. It surprisingly helps to cover up all of Ron's flaming, ginger head.

"Oh," Hermione concludes in surprise. "That's better."

**11:09 AM**

"I can't see," Ron's complaining.

"Shut up, Ron. If it covers your ginger-ness, than it's worth it."

New word of the day: Ginger-ness.

**11:11 AM**

Hermione is staring at Ron dreamily and he has no idea. Did she make the hat go over his eyes on purpose?

**11:12 AM**

Hermione's taking pictures of Ron's crotch. But I decide not to tell him. It'll only freak him out and make Hermione hate me for life.

I'll ask Hermione if I can see those pictures later. I'm quite interested.

… No, seriously. I know for a fact he works out.

**11:16 AM**

Ginny, Luna, and Neville arrive. As always, Ginny is completely decked out in makeup that makes her look like a prostitute more than anything; Luna is wearing her radish earrings, rainbow nose piercing, and bottle cork necklace, reading the Quibbler upside down; and then comes in blubbering Neville, holding his plant close, wrapped in his arms.

Everyone sits down. Luna and Neville are on either side of me. Ginny – who I must say looks extremely good looking this morning – sits next to Hermione.

**11:18 AM**

Ginny asked to look at Hermione's pictures. She was obviously getting aroused every time she changed the picture, because I could see her eyes widen every time she clicked the button.

"Who _is _that?" Ginny whispers. Ron's hat still covers his entire face. "He has a gigantic dick."

**11:20 AM**

Ginny left. She got on top of Ron, having no idea that he was her brother, and began talking to him like an effing client. But then she lifted up his hat. She practically left he compartment in tears.

"Don't think about it," she muttered through sobs. "Don't think of incest, Ginny. Just don't even think about it!"

**11:26 AM**

"I think I'll water Fiona."

"Fiona?"

"Yes, Fiona!" Neville takes out a watering can from his backpack and waters his plant.

"You named your plant Fiona."

"Stop it, you're insulting her..."

**11:38 AM**

Ron is still slightly oblivious to Hermione's taking photography.

"Hermione, is that a camera I hear?"

"NO. WHY WOULD I HAVE A CAMERA?"

**12:46 PM**

"Why is it suddenly so foggy outside?" I say. "It was sunny a few minutes ago."

"Maybe it's the hinkypunks. I do sometimes see them walking on the Hogwarts Express train tracks. They have a tendency to lurk around train tracks, you know. Tell me if you see a floating lantern anywhere. That should be them."

"Oh, Luna. Have you been smoking weed again?"

**12:50 PM**

"I think I'll water Fiona."

"Didn't you already water her?"

"No, what are you talking about? You're so forgetful, Harry."

… ?

**1:28 PM**

Luna's gone. I thank God once again. Now there's only Hermione, Ron, Neville, and I.

… And I guess there's Fiona.

**1:34 PM**

The compartment door slides open. In comes Malfoy with his drugged up cronies behind him. And he's wearing the same tight pants he does every day, trying to show off how much of a bulge he has.

But I must admit, I can't stop looking at his crotch.

"Potter. Out."

"What?"

"You heard me. Get out of the compartment. This one has the best view."

"All of them have this view."

"So what? Get out." What the hell? I won't put up with this!

"Do you know who I am?" I shout. He looks at me oddly.

"Um, obviously. You faggot."

"Oh, uh… right."

Awkward silence!

**1:35 PM**

"… Just leave, Potter."

"Okay."

**1:37 PM**

Before we leave the compartment, Hermione quickly takes a picture of Malfoy's dick. She can't keep her eyes off that thing.

1:38 PM

We couldn't find any other compartment that was empty after searching the entire train, so we had to use one that already had someone inside. It was this old man who was totally hungover, leaning up against the window sill with his cloak swept over him. He had an empty beer bottle in his hand and a few more lying at his feet.

Well, there were actually probably like 10, or something.

Oh yeah, and he was asleep. His snoring was atrocious. I could barely hear myself think.

And hello! I'm Harry Potter! I need my space to think.

**1:39 PM**

That Professor person is breathing all my air.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY.

1:41 PM

Ron picks up his hat over his eyes and looks at the drunken old man.

"Who the hell is this guy?"

"That's Professor Lupin," Hermione pointed out. She stared at Ron dreamily. "Aren't I smart, Ronald?"

"All you needed to do was look at his suitcase."

She takes off his hat and smacks him in the face with it. Scabbers, who was still on his hat, squeals as he is flung against the window.

_SPLAT._

1:43 PM

"I think I'll water Fiona."

"Shit, Neville, that plant is going to die," I say. He just stares at the floor as he waters his somehow-female plant. He strokes its leaves.

"It's okay, Fiona. Don't listen to the mean man," Neville mutters. "Don't listen to him."

2:29 PM

Hermione gets out her suitcase. She sets it on the seat and opens it, holding out and observing her Hogwarts uniform skirt, shirt, tie, and robe.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Well, I was thinking that we should all start changing into our uniforms soon. It's starting to get dark."

"It's foggy out. We can't tell if it's dark or sunny at all. And it's only 2:30."

"Well, um, I'm just going to change anyway, okay?"

2:31 PM

Hermione, why the fuck are you changing in our compartment?

"Hey, Ronald, lift up that hat of yours!"

Oh... never mind.

2:34 PM

Dang it, girl, I never thought you'd have such a fit body. Even Ron is going all googly eyes on you, and he isn't even straight. And Neville hasn't blinked in the past minute. And he's in love with a plant! Now that's talent, right there.

"Are you sure you have to put your clothes back on?"

I didn't mean to say that out loud. Neville ignored my comment, but Ron glared at me as Hermione smiled seductively, taking off her shirt to put on her classy Hogwarts one.

And dude, after seeing that, all that I said earlier was nothing. I am outright shocked.

2:35 PM

I'm pretty sure I saw that Lupin guy sneak a peek at Hermione's tits when she took her shirt off.

They are pretty impressive.

2:39 PM

Hermione has her full outfit on by now. Now the only thing to look at is her face. That ruined her whole sexy image for me. And I'm pretty sure Neville was turned off as well. Ron still stared at her, his hat pushed really far up, Scabbers still sitting on top.

2:40 PM

"Was I dreaming?"

"No, you weren't dreaming, Ronald. You actually saw me changing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive. I saw you watching me."

"Really?"

"Yes, Ronald."

"Are you sure?"

"Good Lord, will I have to show you again?"

"That's not a bad idea! Why don't you?"

2:42 PM

I think Hermione may be Ron's reason to go straight.

He can't stop looking at her tits. He's practically drooling.

2:49 PM

"I'll think I'll water Fiona."

"Neville, do you have short term memory loss?"

"Why would you say such a thing? My memory is perfect! Isn't it, Fiona?" The plant stayed silent. "You know, Fiona, you're not helping at all!"

3:10 PM

That old Professor guy just woke up. You know, the one in our compartment - Professor Loopy, or whatever his name is. But he's no different than how he was asleep. He must have really gotten drunk and high last night.

"Whoishoiahgrioeqnkv."

"Excuse me?"

"Hgirohdskhigrheoinv."

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK ARE YOU SAYING!

3:19 PM

Why the hell has the train stopped? The fog is really pressing up against these windows now. It's getting creepy. It's even made Ginny and Luna return into our compartments. And even stupid Malfoy, with his tight, bulgy jeans and bleached hair, GAHH.

"There wasn't anywhere else to go," Ginny explains as she fixes her hair and sits down. "In a literal sense. The train's been shut down, the trip's delayed."

"Delayed?" Hermione says. "Why has it been delayed?"

"Hermione, your eyes are so brown!" Ron stares up at her in awe and amazement. Luna sits down next to Ginny.

"I told you all. The hinkypunks are out to get us all! Just remember – if the train fills with fog, and there's a bright lantern, don't follow it!"

3:20 PM

"Yfdosahoivnldfhsaoghoe," Lupin slurs. Malfoy leans against the compartment doors, trying to look sexy by trying doing a Justin Bieber hair flip with short hair. He looks to Lupin.

"Who the hell is he?"

"Edfiosahgo! IREhdshohd hoiehwqpog igehw ohgoifdhsoah."

"Oh, you're Professor Lupin? How are you?"

"Fhiohdh hioehpog gfhe! FDhid osha pgh igfdshagh?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Thanks for asking!" Malfoy leans over to Ginny and Luna. Hermione leans in as well. "I'm fluent in Drunken."

"Yeah," I say loudly. "You of all people would speak it."

"Yeah, exactly, Potter." Yeah, that's right, Malfoy.

No, wait…

4:00 PM

"Oh my God, I AM SO FRICKIN BORED. What have we to do?" Malfoy says pompously.

Everyone puts in their own opinions. I suppose I'll just write down the quotes. I'm guessing you'll be able to guess who says what.

"Ooh! We can read the Quibbler out loud and explore the many worlds of nargles!"

"We can SHUT UP and confide to ourselves in the corner."

"AJIOEWHOHGO HOSHO GHEOIWNVNOHW OHOIG!"

"We can watch Hermione take her clothes off!" Everyone looks to Ron at his odd statement. "What? You really need to see her tits. They're amazing."

"Blagajsd ahgklfdshalgh!"

4:01 PM

"I think I'll water Fiona."

I know better than to make a comment this time.

**4:03 PM**

I'm so bored, I made up a new phrase.

I'm as bored as a board. Hehe.

4:07 PM

GAHH SO BORED TO DEATTTHHHH. The air is, like, not moving in here. I'm getting claustrophobic. What with all these distractions. That Lupin guy smells so much like beer and smoke that it's intoxicating, and so is Hermione's perfume that she's sprayed all over herself. I'm pretty sure that Scabbers just went number two on Ron's hat, but he's too tantalized by Hermione that he doesn't notice. Luna is drooling over Ginny, who's drooling over Malfoy, who smugly sits in between her and Lupin.

And I'm just kind of here. What the fuck is this? I'm Harry Potter, dammit, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!

4:11 PM

I sit between Ginny and Luna. I ignore Luna's upset expressions and Ginny's confusion.

"Hey, baby. The train's delayed, right?"

"Yeah, isn't that what I just said?" Ginny answers irritably.

"Well, then, doesn't that give us a lot of time to, you know. Get some action?" I smile at her, trying to show her my awesome smile. But I don't smile too big. I don't want to blind her with my beauty.

"Yeah, um, I don't think so." What! She's a prostitute! HOW CAN SHE SAY NO!

"Yeah, um, I _do_ think so, sweetheart." I try to pull her closer to me, but she pushes me away. I try again, but she pushes again. I stand up and yell louder than I mean to, "WHY WON'T YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

Everyone stares at us. Neville shields Fiona. She just looks up at me like it's no big deal. I can feel myself sinking as she says, "Sorry, but I just don't have sex with geeks who wear glasses. Especially yours. Ugh, those are such grandma glasses!"

She waves her hand off and pushes me onto my original seat.

Oh, now that totally turned me on. She is so playing hard to get. I like that, I like that a lot. It makes her twice the amount of sexy - and that's saying something!

4:15 PM

Okay. Here I go. I'm taking off my glasses in three, two, one ...

Can I write? Yes, I can still write. But my God, it's sloppy. And Jesus, my eyesight is worse than I thought it was.

But come on, dude. You are a stud. You are a stud. You are a stud.

"You are a stud!" I say aloud. Again, everyone stares, even drunken Lupin.

I think I have a real problem with this now. I need to calm down and just think in my head for once.

4:16 PM

I grab a seat between Luna and Ginny again.

"Hey, baby. How you like my new look?" I can barely see her face, so I don't know if she's smiling or not. She just observes me. She holds up a blob that I'm guessing to be her hand.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" she asks. Oh, dear Lord, why does this stuff always happen to me? But I tell myself - you are a stud. You are a stud! You can do this! It's just a number!

I guess in a confident tone. "Eleven!" I say.

No, wait...

Ginny slaps my face and pushes me onto the ground.

"You're such a dickhead." Malfoy kicks me in the nuts.

"Yeah, Potter. You're such a dickhead."

"Oh Draco, that was such a good comeback!"

"Anything for you, baby."

4:17 PM

I put my glasses back on. Good Lord, that handwriting was really sloppy.

4:19 PM

Luna's got her Drug Pack out. She's sharing cigarettes and beer with Lupin. They both hold up their beer bottles.

"Dsjfiods," Lupin slurs. "FDHSikorewhgoih dbofheogh!"

"FDshf ioewhiogh reionbof hfoidrshoaib ghf oihforih!" Luna shouts. They clink their bottles and heartily drink.

Guess who's gonna get who preggers!


	2. Night 1

**Night 1 - 7:51 PM**

Malfoy.

It's time to die.

GET OFF MY GIRLFRIEND!

"GET OFF!" I shout out loud. People stare.

I think I have problems holding my thoughts inside.

**8:00 PM**

All of us took places to sleep on the ground, seats, and up where some of the suitcases used to be. Malfoy is on the couch opposite from mine (because I'm Harry Potter, so I get the comfy couch!), and Ginny is on the suitcase rack right above me. I'm so glad that Ginny is on the other side of the room from Malfoy. And by her own choice!

Serves him right.

That's _my_ girl, buddy.

**8:01 PM**

That last post never existed. They're on different sides of the room so they can easily make sex faces at each other.

FML.

**8:24 PM**

Woke up from a really unrealistic, amazing, but still short dream about how the rack holding Ginny up above me collapsed. She fell on top of me and her tits went right to my face.

And the answer to your question is yes. I plowed her hard.

And do you know what woke me up? It was a voice, saying one sentence.

"I think I'll water Fiona."

**8:25 PM**

Fuck you, Fiona.

**9:15 PM**

Neville is such a wuss. He woke us all up with his sobs.

"OH MY GOD FIONA'S DEAD!"

"Neville, it's because you over watered it," Hermione explained sleepily.

"I only watered her once! Why do you faggots keep saying I watered her too much?"

**9:24 PM**

"Wake up, everyone. They're coming for us. Look at them, guys, they're coming for our souls."

When it's dark, and cold, and scary, and wet, and on an empty train, in the dark, in the cold, in a scary dark train, in an empty compartment, in the cold, in the dark and scary, in the cold, LUNA'S VOICE IS SO SCARY. _They're coming for your souls!_ Yeah, that's the best thing in the world, Luna, it really is!

If you die, Luna, I just want to let you know that previous sentence was no lie.

**9:25 PM**

There are these retarded, dark-cloaked things outside the door. I can't have that! They're distracting me from my beauty sleep!

"Halt, I say!" I say (haha, repetitive!). "For I am Harry Potter, and I say to-"

And then I faint.

**9:47 PM**

"Harry? Are you all right? It looked like you hit your head hard." Neville is looking over me. I'm a little disgusted because I at first think he did CPR on me.

"You mean like how you hit _your_ head?" I mutter.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, Neville. Why are you even leaning over me anyway?"

"Well, I gave you CPR, of course!"

I would've ran to the bathroom to vomit, but I saw Malfoy standing right outside the corridor, so I used his face instead.

It's like I said, _Draco_, it's time to die. Maybe you'll leave my girlfriend alone now?

**9:48 PM**

He obviously isn't leaving her alone. He's practically caressing her.

Damn his hot body and big bulge and amazing charm!

… No, wait, what am I saying?

**9:50 PM**

"Why did I faint?" I ask Hermione. "What were those creepy cloaked things? Where are they now?"

"I have no idea, Harry. I wasn't the one who got rid of them!"

"Then who was?" She nervously looks at the figure sitting in the corner of the corridor. He still has beer bottles at his feet, but he's really cleaned himself up. It's that Professor Lupin guy. He doesn't have that dirty cloak hiding him anymore, and he doesn't look as hungover. In fact, he's sitting up straight, watching us. When Hermione looked over at him, he smiled at us.

"Hey," he says, nodding his head, trying to look sexy.

Wow, I was expecting something like dhksay htruioehv lkdsa, or something.

**9:51 PM**

"Professor, what were those things?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry. Don't address me as your professor. Address me as a friend," Lupin says. He smokes a cigarette and blows the smoke in front of him. "Call me Remus," he says, trying to look awesome.

He ends up coughing and choking in his own smoke.

**9:52 PM**

We have to leave the compartment because it's filled with nothing but smoke. Jesus, Remus.

**9:54 PM**

Remus elbows me. "Hey. Why don't you go in there and open the window? It could let out some of the smoke."

"Why me? You were the one smoking. And besides, I'm Harry Potter. I can't go risking my life to open a fucking window!"

Remus shrugs and smokes some more.

**9:55 PM**

Remus, stop blowing smoke in my face. Dear Lord.

**9:57 PM**

SOAKING FUCKING WET BECAUSE THE FIRE SPRINKLERS WENT OFF OHMYEFFINGLORD.

**10:03 PM**

The sprinklers finally stopped, but that didn't stop people from getting angry. The water all woke them up.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have been sleeping!" I'd argue.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have been smoking!" they'd yell back.

"Then maybe Malfoy shouldn't have let Remus on the train! He's the one that's smoking!"

To make matters worse for himself, everyone looks to Remus, who's sharing a cigarette with Malfoy. Remus keeps looking at his tight pants.

**10:26 PM**

I'm still watching Malfoy and Remus being chased up and down the train from my compartment. Ron and Hermione are watching as well.

Hermione takes pictures of Malfoy's pants every time he passes by.

Did you know that dicks look much bigger in motion-related pictures?

I didn't either!

**10:34 PM**

The train conductor had to come all the way down the train calm everyone down. He made Remus and Malfoy return to our compartment.

Dammit, this sucks.

I hate you, Mr. Train Conductor.

**10:40 PM**

It only just occurred to me that the _train conductor_ calmed us down.

Was someone even driving the train?

What a psycho.

**10:41 PM**

Oh right, the train isn't moving.

**10:52 PM**

The lights have gone out and I don't know if it's because (A) everyone wants sleep, (B) the conductor accidentally flipped the switch, or (C) we have no power at all.

I hope it's the third one! I DON'T WANNA GO TO EFFING HOGWARTS AFTER THIS!

**11:00 PM**

Exactly twelve hours since we boarded this afternoon. Oh my God, how does time fly? I guess it flies when you're having fun. And how can I not have fun all the time? I'm Harry Potter, for God's sake!

**11:05 PM**

No offense, diary, but . . . you're getting quite boring. You don't do anything, do you?

**11:06 PM**

Okay. I'm bored. I hate you, diary.

"Guys, I am so bored. What is there to do?"

"We can play games," Ron suggests.

"Yes! Brilliant idea! What game is there to play in the dark?"

Awkward silence!

**11:07 PM**

Ron opens his mouth, his eyes on Hermione. I cover his mouth to stop him.

"But Harry, I know exactly what we should do!"

"Ron, the lights are out. We wouldn't be able to see Hermione undress."

"Oh, right."

**11:08 PM**

Remus snaps his fingers. "I got it! We can play hide and seek!"

"Hide and seek?" I say. "You mean the individual, scary, alone hide and seek, and on this horribly dark, very large train, in the middle of the night?"

"Yep!"

"I'M IN!"

**11:35 PM**

I'm so smart, I'm so smart, I'm sooooo smaaaaart! I ran down to the back of the train, and I'm hiding in the cupboard in the bathroom. Remus won't look for me in here.

Especially since it's the girl's bathroom!

**11:36 PM**

"Aw, man! How did you find me, Remus?"

"Uh, you're in the girl's bathroom. Why would I not look here?"

**11:39 PM**

Now that I'm 'it', I decide to search the back storage of the train. Who knows, there could be drugs back there.

**11:41 PM**

I found Malfoy smoking a cigar back there.

**11:58 PM**

I go back to the girl's bathroom cupboard.

"Dang it, Harry!" Remus shouts. "How the hell did you find me?"

**12:03 AM**

The hide and seek got boring real easily, so we all returned to our compartment and went back to sleep. Ron was nowhere to be found, though. I think he went through my things.

The only thing missing was the porn.

Damn you, Ronald.


	3. Day 2

**Day 2 - 8:34 AM**

Ron woke me up telling me that breakfast was ready.

"Breakfast? Who made the breakfast?"

"Luna and Remus."

"It's drugged, isn't it?"

**8:41 AM**

I'm eating my thirds. I'm not exactly a french toast type of person... But this meal is so addicting.

Yeah. It's drugged.

**8:43 AM**

"How do you like it?" Remus asks us all.

"Maybe we'd like it more if you'd stop smoking," Hermione suggests. Remus blew smoke into her face.

I love you so much, Remus.

**8:44 AM**

I'M NOT GAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

**8:46 AM**

Ron has his laptop on his lap now that he's finished his breakfast. Obscene noises are coming from his laptop. Remus sits next to him and watches. Hermione sighs as she takes another bite.

"Ronald, the rest of us are trying to eat. If you won't turn off the porn, at least use some earphones, or something."

Ron waves his hand and shushes her, watching with wide eyes like Remus next to him. Hermione looked appalled and angry.

**8:47 AM**

But she did peek at the screen a few times.

**9:02 AM**

Everyone else followed Malfoy to the storage part of the train because they wanted to see all the drugs he found back there. Remus decided he had enough and stayed. So now only Remus and I are in the compartment. It's really awkward.

I'm sure he feels awkward. I mean, to be alone in a compartment with such a famous, handsome, amazing being like myself. Oh jeez. I would have died by now if I knew I was me.

No, wait...

**9:04 AM**

Remus keeps blowing smoke, so I open a window. That just makes him blow more smoke.

You suck, Remus.

**9:05 AM**

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

**9:08 AM**

"Hey, Remus. What were those things you rescued us from last night? The cloaked figures."

"Oh, those? They were only dementors. They wanted to kiss someone in particular."

"Seriously? They were probably looking for me because I'm so awesome. Were they hot?"

"No, Harry."

"Aw, that's too bad."

**9:10 AM**

"When a dementor kisses you, they take your soul, Harry. You shouldn't want to kiss them."

"But were they hot?"

"Jesus, they don't even have eyes!"

"Did you just call me Jesus? Why, thank you, I'm flattered!"

**9:13 AM**

"Harry, they didn't want to kiss you originally. They were actually looking for a guy named... Something."

"What was his name?"

"Nothing, Harry. Nothing."

"Remus, tell me."

He just blew more smoke in my face.

HE NEEDS TO STOP DOING THAT.

**9:14 PM**

"Please tell me, pretty please!"

"No, I'll never tell you."

"What if we make a deal?"

"No, Harry, stop asking."

"I'll lend you the porn for the entire month."

Remus eyes me suspiciously.

**9:15 AM**

"His name is Sirius," Remus tells me as I get out my extra porn DVDs from my bag and give them to him. He stares at them as if they're godly. "Sirius Black. He escaped from Azkaban and the dementors want his soul."

"How do you know all this?"

Remus looked at me seriously and speaks in a deep voice.

"Because I already killed him," he says.

**9:16 AM**

Nah. He really said, "Because James and I were his best friends!"

"James?"

"Your father. Psh."

"I had a father?"

"Of course, Harry. Everyone has to have some type of father somehow. I of all people would know that."

"And why is that?"

"Oh, the three of us used to have contests of how many girls we could sleep with in a month's time." He blows smoke from his mouth. "Good times, good times."

**9:20 AM**

"Out of curiosity, who would win those contests?"

"Psh, me of course! Harry, what were you thinking?"

"How do you know? Did you keep a list or something?"

"Indeed I did." He slaps a roll of parchment into my hands.

IT'S NEVER ENDING.

**9:22 AM**

"You've slept with this many girls, Remus?"

"No, not all of them. About a third, we just found some bathroom or dark alley down the street."

"Wow. This is impressive."

"Here, I have another sheet."

If I thought the last one was never ending, this second sheet has taught me differently.

**9:25 AM**

"How many of these got pregnant, Remus?" I ask. He smiles at me grandly. It scares me.

"All of them," he answers. There's a long pause, because I don't know what to say, and I don't know whether or not to JUMP OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW JUST TO ESCAPE HIS STARES.

**9:29 AM**

Remus blows smoke out of his mouth. But I find myself restraining my thoughts.

They were, _that makes him look so hot_.

**9:32 AM**

Shut up! You didn't see him! He looked sexy!

**9:38 AM**

No, for the fifth time, I'M NOT GAAAYYY.

**9:41 AM**

Okay, fine. You caught me. I'm not very sure yet.

**9:42 AM**

Who knows, I may be homosexual, or something, I haven't really decided...

**9:43 AM**

I had to leave the compartment for a few horribly pathetic reasons. Number one: I couldn't stand the smoke in there. I'm sitting outside the compartment, and I can see the smoke even through the glazed windows. Lupin is obviously inhaling all of the plumes, practically getting high again.

Number two: Lupin kept staring at me weirdly.

Number three: I liked how he was staring at me weirdly.

Number four (a.k.a. the one I am ashamed of): I wished for a split second that my name was on that list.

Oh yeah, Lupin. Get me pregnant.

**12:03 PM**

Oh my God! What the fuck was I thinking in that last entry! Maybe I got high off Lupin's smoke.

**12:04 PM**

Or maybe I got high off his facial expressions. Oh yeah. Sexy.

**12:06 PM**

I need to restrain myself. My God.

**12:36 PM**

Everyone came back with packs of cigarettes and tons of beer bottles. Even Hermione and Ron were totally hungover.

Ron was giving her a piggy back ride, and I'm pretty sure she was trying really hard to hump him backwards.

**12:51 PM**

"Thela jdlshat oiew."

"Hermione, are you all right?" Remus asks.

"Fdhfeiwoq hdskahef jhfdo hoah ofhdsohaoho!"

"I don't understand what you're saying..."

"KHTYOIDS DIHOEHWGND SKOHATOIRHEOQIN OHIDF."

Remus leans over to me and whispers, "She's insane."

Oh, Remus. If only you could see how you influence us used-to-be-innocent children.

**1:01 PM**

Hermione got on Lupin's lap.

I think he changed his mind.

Maybe he's thinking of adding Hermione's name to that list tonight.

...Nah.

**1:02 PM**

Bad idea anyways, because Ron suddenly got really aggressive and punched out Remus. So Remus ate some of his magical dementor chocolate and felt better.

I bet it's drugged.

**1:19 PM**

"Hey Harry, want some of this chocolate?"

"FUCK YEAH."

The chocolate was devoured.

**1:22 PM**

THAT STUFF WAS DRUGGED TO THE MAX.

I CAN'T WRITE IN LOWERCASE LETTERS ANYMORE.

HFDLSKHAOT GSALHGD OSAHFODH.

**2:32 PM**

Okay. I've calmed down again. I just got a little high, that's all.

**2:34 PM**

Who am I kidding?

I NEED MORE OF THAT DAMN CHOCOLATE.

**2:35 PM**

MUST DEVOUR.

**3:01 PM**

I haven't written in over half an hour because I've been so crazy today. And I got so pissed when Remus was so annoyed with me eating all his chocolate that he threw the box out the window. I almost jumped out myself.

But I didn't. Because I'm Harry Potter, dammit, AND I'M NOT GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

**3:02 PM**

BUT GOD DAMMIT, WERE THOSE CHOCOLATES SOOOOO GOOOOOODDDDDD GAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

**3:27 PM**

I was just thinking. I've gotten high how many times today, like, five? But hey, who's counting.

**3:28 PM**

Remus leans over my shoulder to read my diary.

"Ten times," he tells me.

Wow, Remus, you care about me that much? I'm touched.

**3:42 PM**

"Ron, did you go through my things last night?" Ron tries to cover his face with his hat as he mutters, "Um, no?"

"Then where'd you get the porn from?"

"What porn?"

"You and Remus were watching it this morning."

"Oh, uh... it was Ginny's."

I almost asked Ron why Ginny would own porn, but I deemed it a stupid question.

**3:43 PM**

"Fine. Then where's _my_ porn?" Ron sighs and finally gives in.

"Ginny has it. She's been collecting those tapes her whole life."

**3:48 PM**

Okay, Ron wasn't kidding when he said that Ginny's been collecting her whole life. I went into a compartment she occupied (apparently she just had to show people her tits for them to leave... who knew?) and my first thought was _OH MY FUCKING LORD HOW THE HELL DID SHE CARRY THIS ON THE TRAIN_.

I'm not joking. There were piles that lead up to the ceiling. And she just smiles at me like it's no big deal, putting a disc in the CD slot of her laptop.

Hmm. Maybe I should stay here for a while.

**4:04 PM**

"Harry, I'm not giving your porn back. This thing is first edition. I've been looking for this DVD for the past ten years."

"You watched porn when you were six?"

"...When you live in a family of all guys, stuff happens to you, OKAY?"

**4:06 PM**

"Fine. What do I have to do for you to return them?" I ask.

"No, that's not the question. What do I have to do in order for me to keep them?"

"Nothing. I just want my porn back."

Ginny begins sorting through DVDs and suggesting millions of raunchy topics. To each suggestion, I just answered, "No" or "That's not my style" or "Those 'Models Gone Wild' movies are soooo outdated."

Because they fucking are outdated.

**4:11 PM**

Though that doesn't mean I don't enjoy watching them...

**4:12 PM**

I think I've won when she pulls out 'Horses Gone Wild.'

Dear Lord. She's found my weakness.

**5:02 PM**

THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE.

**5:09 PM**

I'm still in awe. Ginny even let me keep the DVD! Guess what I'm watching on my lonely Friday nights!

**5:12 PM**

Oh yeah, and Ginny thinks I'm much sexier now that gotten into horse porn.

Apparently it's the most popular porn on the market, ever since Equus.

**5:16 PM**

Man, I need to see that play sometime. I've heard the lead is HOT.

**5:19 PM**

I came back to our original compartment, and Ron's knocked out on the floor. Hermione's making out with Remus.

I don't know whether to call this disturbing or not.

**5:22 PM**

Okay. Remus carried Hermione out to another compartment. He brought his list with him.

I'm actually kind of scared now.

**5:23 PM**

I'm hearing noises.

I'M DEFINITELY SCARED NOW.


End file.
